This year has been an adventure of emotions. I have seen little, and yet experienced a lot.
It was easy to get lost in a little world, and next year holds an even bigger world for me.
I'm nervous, but excited.
I think the best part is, I'm not fearful.
I've learned that the more one delves into self and one's own heart for experience, advice, and intuition, the more one can lose track of joy and journey. It's like looking at the path, afraid to fall, so much so that you don't realize you're about to walk right off a cliff. It took me a while to figure out that I was doing exactly that.... perhaps well over two years.... but I'm glad it's been configured the day 2013 ends. It ends the year on good terms, I suppose.
I've also learned that the more I learn about myself, who I am, and where I'm going in life, the more I realize I have so much more to learn.
There are many complexities within the complexities.

I don't like transitions between years. It feels like the world is moving much too fast for its own good.

Nonetheless, I suppose it must happen.

So here-goes.

I'm looking forward to the mountains I'll climb and the seas I'll taste.
I don't mind ocean water at all.
I don't mind rivers.
I don't mind clouds.
I don't mind sheep.

And it's clear as day, tonight in the wee hours of December 31st, that I can no longer drive my own life, in order to experience these adventures with true, pure happiness.

I've forgotten who's created me. I've forgotten that He knows me even when I do not know my own self.
I've forgotten that He is the heart I must rely on, not my own.

2014 is the year of the horse? I suppose chariots are to drive us into thickets and mountains and through rivers and sand dunes, by winds, heat, rain, sleet.

It's the year to GO.

I'm quite optimistic.
Cautious, but optimistic.

I'm ready.

dragons with the most fearsome of fires could not hold me back

I dig into myself. Nails into skin. So deep. So deep into myself that I forget who I really am.

These have been long, long days. Days so long that I dig into my sadness which digs into my sadness. It has felt like an endless cycle.

Only tonight have I realized that steeping bitterness has broken my ties with faith and happiness.

I lost my joy...

Fighting to get it back has been harder than ever.

Certainly a journey to be remembered.

Fighting for my life right now.

So hard.

But the fact that I've found possibility and can see the light is allowing me to feel new winds I've not known before.

It's fleeting.

Dangerous.

Sad.

I fear.

But the darkest days are long behind me and I refuse to muddle in fear again.

I will find my joy.

The greatest discovery I've made is the knowledge that all I am is found within the creation of God and the beauty He breathes.

I can taste that beauty.

I can't see it or feel it. . .

But my faith is persistent.

And that is what counts at this point.

It is the only thing keeping me from falling into the crevices and keeling over into the darkest abyss I have found.

Dragons with the most fearsome of  fires could not hold me back.

No, I know what it feels like to be alone.

So no, I do not think you're in the wrong to feel jealous and sad and miserable and angry and happy all at the same time.

We are complex people with complex feelings.

To find a new form of love.

I'm craving travel.

I need worldly experience. . . to be off in unknown lands meeting talented foreigners and sharing magic.

Just to be.

To be immersed in a new kind of culture. To find a new form of love.

I have grown tired, and all I need is to find a new form of love.

could an ocean of waves break my soul into fragments, splitting them across the caverns, the shore, the rocks and the shells?
could a sky of snow float down upon the treetops and shed its pure beauty upon the long-time travelled road?

may it be, may it be.

Genuinely, I've found out what I must do.

I must serve, and serve because I want to, not because I need to.

Only then will I rediscover happiness.

True happiness.

silently falling into the abyss crying and fighting against the wind that hollers through my ears and rips apart the boundaries and the obstacles and the terror of fear and fear and fear

spacing into lines of rigged hopeful teasing strength aligned with the deception of love and bitterness and hope and not knowing what is real and what is fantasy but knowing what is fantasy and what is real trying to see that life is more than the blocks that build us in that we can climb out and see past the fields and the rocks and the rivers and the seas and the mountains give me serenity give me agility find in me the treasure map to the sailboats and the pilgrims and the literatures of feeble able hope 

delving into the greatness of what can only be hoped for 

knowing that i have hope

it is in me

and it will stop or drive the fall or the rise or the falling rise or the rising fall or timetime time timetime time timetime time timetime time

You know what I can't stand about university? Everyone's out with a thirst to prove themselves. The thing is, I feel like I've already proven myself. Simply put, if you don't know what I've proven or who I am deep inside, then you don't reserve the right to judge me.

All I've learned this semester is that the work force and university do not imply any room for self. It's about how well you can impress someone. All these judgementalists with a thirst to prove and impress.

I Could Climb All The Trees in the World And Never . . .

It's funny how, in one moment in time, I thought you were perfect. You gave me wisdom and insight into things I did not know about. Today, I look back and see this as a gradual breaking of my innocence. Your language was something I did not understand. Now I see it for what it is: A tool you merely use to hide your shame and lies and deceit and misunderstandings and fear and loss.

I am sorry, today. I am sorry that I have had to lose someone I've looked up to for so long. I am sorry that you are in such a dark place, seething over lost truths and simple misunderstandings. I am sorry that you do not have the wisdom I have highly associated you with. I am sorry that you are full of sadness and bitterness.

I want to take all those swarming bees around your head and give you lots and lots of honey. That is what you need.

Honey.

Unfortunately that is something only you can make for yourself.

And until you erase condescending judgements, your vitality will weaken.

You will plunder in fear, until you address what is wrong.

You plunder in fears because you do not address what is wrong.


Today I've learned something from you, despite your vindictiveness. I've learned that wisdom does not come with age.

It comes with an open heart, mind, and soul.

I've learned to never fear, for it will probably drive one insane, as it is to you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I am losing you.

The End of An Era

The evening is cool and crisp.
I can see the stars.
Alas, I can see more than the stars.

The Darkest of Your Own Self

We are all so wrapped up in a facade. Warped by these ideas of perfection and sanity and education and wisdom.

We generalize too easily.

We judge too quickly.

I pity the people who raise themselves so high on pedestals of pride, for one day they will crumble and break. You raise yourselves so high above the "lowest of lows" that you do not realize that one day, when it is far too late, you will be the lowest of lows.... and nobody will be there for you but the darkest of your own self.

I pity you.

"In my return back through the passage, I heard the same words repeated twice over; and looking up, I saw it was a starling hung in a little cage.—'I can’t get out—I can’t get out,' said the starling. 

I stood looking at the bird: and to every person who came through the passage it ran fluttering to the side towards which they approach’d it, with the same lamentation of its captivity.—'I can’t get out,' said the starling.—God help thee! said I, but I’ll let thee out, cost what it will; so I turn’d about the cage to get to the door; it was twisted and double twisted so fast with wire, there was no getting it open without pulling the cage to pieces.—I took both hands to it.
The bird flew to the place where I was attempting his deliverance, and thrusting his head through the trellis, press’d his breast against it, as if impatient.—I fear, poor creature! said I, I cannot set thee at liberty.—'No,' said the starling—'I can’t get out—I can’t get out,' said the starling."

~ A Sentimental Journey Through France and Italy, Laurence Sterne (1713-1768). 

I have not written in a while.

I did not keep up with my devotions.

This doesn't make me a bad person.

It makes me human.

Human.

To feel. To be burdened. To love. To forgive. To forget. To honour. To dishonour. To see. To listen. To be blind. To not hear. To understand. To ignore. To fight. To lose. To create. To destroy. To build. To break down. To heat. To freeze. To fly. To fall.

We are all our own heroes.

We are all our own villains.

The earth's rivers flow by our tears. The earth's mountains sink by our anger. The earth's heat arises from our lust.

This world eats its own self away, because of us.

"I must confess, the view from where I sit has been rather grey."

My soul feels grey.

Sad.

Mad.

Carefree.

Lost.

Not-knowing.

Or not understanding.

I find myself asking

Why
Why
Why

All the time.

The world has unfolded a map before my soul... my heart... my eyes.

And I cannot read it.

30 Days of Devotion: Day 02

Ephesians 3

Ok. So I am doing my readings daily, but I'm having trouble posting every day because I am a full time student, and part time barista. Life is busy.

But, I shall try posting the scripture, at least, so you have some idea of where things are going.
The details and writings may be weekly. If it helps I could analyze all of the daily scriptures at the end of the week. I think that might be easier.

We'll take it as it goes.

Recap on My Challenge of the Week:
As I said, I wanted to stop being so judgemental and critical. It's not that I become rude and impolite around people because of it! No. I just don't have any room to judge. That is that.
I think that by taking Social Working classes... I'm not generalizing people as much. Sort of. But the classes do make me think more about society and interactions. Having said that, I'm finding myself not relying on criticizing people's actions, but thinking about the greater picture. It's causing me to go back to those few verses in Revelations 2 & 3 that really opened my eyes to how stale and fragmented my faith has been. By seeing what I shouldn't be doing, and realizing what I could be doing, I am finding that by applying faith and prayer (believing that change will happen) to a situation/for a person, I'm drawing back to that part of enlightenment where I had that "A-Ha!" moment. Basically, I've realized the significance of Revelations 2 & 3 for my life, and what it means today! Not just how it relates to my history!

Neat, right !

I'm getting excited.

So yesterday (because I'm a bit behind in my devotions already :(), I read Ephesians 3. Key verses being (for me, at least) Eph.3: 14-19.

Basically this is confirming to me that... it doesn't matter where I've been... what I've done... I still have faith.

Sometimes we get so caught up in doing right or wrong that we forget the context. The context is love. There's not much more to understand or feel or do or whatever. Forget about rules for a second and meditate on the word "love." What does it mean to you? How do you live it out?

{Ok. So back to the rules. Don't forget them completely. There's something solid about what God's words mean. It's easy to ignore the Old Testament because it's...well.... old. But the point is that we should connect the old to the new. One can't live in the new without the old.

This will make sense later when I connect Ephesians 3 to an old testament piece of scripture.}

Focusing on Ephesians 3. . .

Love.

It's difficult to comprehend that there's a being whose love is so prominent in the word "life." I think that our human precipitance of the word "love" creates images of romance, couples, typical society-influenced ideas. We dismiss images and the knowledge that God's love is something that roots us and establishes us... and empowers us !

I feel like I've hit a bit of a block. Like there's something more I need to say about this... but I can't.... because it's something that I can feel... and partially see... but not put words to.

30 Days of Devotions: Day 01

Revelations 2 & 3

Obviously, considering this is a blog, my 30 Days of Devotions is going to be personal. I feel like I've matured enough over the past two years at least, to be comfortable writing about my spiritual life and growth openly, even to readers I have never met. It is a little bit scary for me, because I am naturally a very introverted person around people I do not know. I've realized that I have trust issues around people, because not many of my "close friends" have actually stuck around in my life. There's always going to be someone who gossips, or says one thing to your face but another thing to your peers. A lot of hypocrisy has shaped me to be too judgemental of people, I'll be honest. I assume things too quickly, which is probably what planted that certain fear of people in my life. Though, it is what led me to rely on just three immediate family members: my dad, mum, and brother, because I know they will always be here for me, and they don't judge me entirely. If they are critical they always have the best advice to share with me in order to better my understanding of self, and social interaction.

Over the past year, I feel that certain situations have led to me grow dry and stale, regarding my faith. It's so different. I used to be incredibly peppy, and the kind of Christian who was "on fire for God." I still am. I would never deny the love I have for a spiritual being who has saved me from death itself. A while back I went through an incredible term of shaking fear. I couldn't sleep at night, my grades hit bottom, and I couldn't think straight, I had trouble watching certain movies, and I overanalyzed everything to a T. I began to question my faith. Thankfully that turned into a fear itself, and brought me back to common sense. I was sitting in church on one of my rock-bottom-days, and the sermon really woke me up. I won't go into detail about it today, but basically I realized what I needed to do: keep fighting for what was rightfully mine-- my faith. Something no amount of darkness had the right to take away from me.

Even so, there is a season for everything... and these past two years have been the coldest, driest winter.

Before this past week, I hadn't willingly opened my Bible for over 6 months. It's a sad fact, I'm ashamed to admit it... but these things happen. We are all human, and we are all exploring life's journey in different ways.

Monday, I just began to feel so frustrated. I am angry about a lot of things, and I'm realizing that I do not want this anger to turn into bitterness or fear. I want it to morph into love and forgiveness. It can. I know that.
Too many people in my life have shown me what a bitter life leads to, and I do not want to end up sitting back doing nothing with my life, rotting in laziness, self-religiousity, and fear. I want to live happily, exuberantly, always seizing the day!

I ended up crying. I threw myself on my bed and said, "God! I'm just so tired." Honestly, I haven't known what to really do with myself, because I'm not the same peppy person I used to be. I miss praying for people and being so spiritually alert and on guard. I feel like I've lost my balance in life.

That's when I felt the need to start this 30 Days of Devotion. At first I was just going to do it on my own personal time, privately, occasionally noting things in my journal, but then I felt prompted to blog about it. Not to get pity from readers, nor applause or a certain promotion. But to simply share about my faith. To provoke healthy conversation. To really engage in my journey. I know I'm not the only one struggling with faith, or feeling so lost in the dark.

I think it's important that we keep each other in line. I know I have friends reading this blog. And I know not everyone is going to feel comfortable commenting and sharing what they're going through. But I'm really encouraging it. That is what faith is about, I am learning.

Having read the scripture listed above today, I felt like this part of my faith adventure is where I put my faith into action.

That night when I cried out, "God! I'm just so tired," I asked for a piece of scripture. I don't know what it is (I mean I do), but every time I do that I get word right away. Usually. And this time I heard "Revelations 2 & 3."

So I read, I listened, I cried.

It's not good to be silent when you have potential. And we all have potential. So this is me just acting on what I feel like I'm supposed to do.

As part of these devotions I will also be including snippets of My Challenge for the Week. It will add up, because there's a devotion a day, and a challenge per day/per week. But that's a good thing! It aids in establishing a good foundation for our faith.

Having said that:

My Challenge for the Week:

Stop being so critical of others and their actions. Instead, look at the mirror (figuratively) and examine what needs to be changed in my own life. What am I doing wrong? How does this silently say. "I love God, therefore I love you," to others? It's important to note that I should not take on a self-religious spirit. Just love. Love love love. Explore the concept of righteous love and what it really means on a day-to-day basis. Practice new ways of loving those around me. Show love off. That's what we're here for.

I'd appreciate any feedback! I want to hear your thoughts. How are you growing? What are you doing to challenge yourself? What do Revelations 2 & 3 mean to you? What did you learn?

30 Days of Devotions

Lately, I feel as though I've grown stagnant and stale in my spirituality. I've slacked off a bit, and grown tired and frail.

Though, this has been a huge burden on my heart, and I've just been too lazy to really do anything. I think it's because I don't know where to begin, or how to get back to the person I used to be.

If there's anything I've learned this past year, it's that you cannot be the person you used to be.
It is not about that.

It's about relationships, growth, and love. Unconditional love.

Over the past two days I've really been thinking and praying... and I've decided to commit to reading a new piece of scripture every day for the next thirty days dedicated to my growth. I will use the scripture to challenge myself.

So here it begins.

I'm playing it by ear. Literally.

You will understand that phrase as we continue.

I'd love it for you to join me on this journey. :)

xoxo

I love autumn skies. Whispering nights. Beautiful music playing with the shadows and steaming tea cups.
Like this moment. Right now.

I love laughter. The feeling of a genuine smile. It's freeing. Unifying.

It's almost exhausting not to find a reason to smile.

Dreaming in time, we gave away our souls for what we thought we loved, whereupon we found what hated us. The beauty unravelled a disgust that taught us how to listen. Depictions of sadness blackened our roses. It is the lost of the found that water these roses. Roses that live off the light of listening. Listening to that which teaches us what love is; a love that blossoms dreams.

I Over-Analyze It All Too Much

I don't know if it's a fear of commitment, a fear to trust too deeply and have it broken just like every other time, or the fear of talking to you and being disappointed.

Should I be falling for you? 

I'm writing in a café with the chills and some Earl Grey Tea. 

The more you listen, the less I fear.

But the more you listen, the more I fear. 

The feel
of a thunderstorm finalizing a summer

The praise of rain upon
the ground

It's light illuminating
the windows of a room

Unravelling the silence
Or the noise of the house

The way I see it, we're all a little disillusioned. We find tangible lies, and begin to believe them ourselves.

I kind of feel like I'm heading into trembling waters with no gear. Somewhere along the dock I dropped my flippers and ripped my life jacket.

When in reality I have the world at my hands. I'm worrying about the smallest things, when what counts are the life skills and the use of what I have. Waging rivers and armies of vast anger; fortitude not withholding; obstructions to my left and to my right-- it is easy to lose sight that this is an adventure... not a trap, not an obstacle, and not an experience meant to break me down, but to build me up.

I have the skills to make my own tools.

That is what should count.

Things I've Learned; My Gap Year at a Glance

If there's anything I can take away from this year off, it's these few facts of life I've learned:

1. Being alone does not bring one peace any more than being in a crowd gives one pleasure. There is prosperity in having a number of friends you can count on one hand. And even though one may not see them all the time, as high school has generously granted, solitude allows one to see truth, perceive honesty, and realize what it means to be blessed.

2. We are all in the same boat, regardless if we are educated or not. In fact, whether or not we choose to partake in higher education or get a job right away, we are all sifting like sand through the ocean trying to find the right wave and pace through the sound that feels best to us. We're all a little selfish. We all need love. We all crave that ultimate knowledge of faith and love. Nobody is better than the other; our life credentials have nothing to do with what is written on our resume. It is all part of a bigger picture, part of our story.

3. Life can be simple, though it is difficult. And in that centre we can find contentment. A lot of people lie to get to the top. A lot of people have heart and passion and that's what gets them to the top. It's all perspective.

4. Coffee is magical. Starbucks changed my life. Being a barista became my musical theatre opportunity, and it's better than I ever thought it would be. I've learned most of what I know about people and interactions and body language behind an espresso machine.

5. Family isn't always blood. Friends are not always there. Love always is. Bitterness is a wall people hide behind. Lies are a divergence created to fill the soul with what one cannot access on their own. Honesty both breaks and restores. Life goes on regardless if we want it to or not.

In exactly seven days I will be 19.

It's almost refreshing.

A new number, a new dawn... a new age.

I am told that the number 19 means divine perfection.

That gives me some earnest hope... as my life is probably everything but perfect right now.

It's funny.

Like one morning you just wake up knowing who you are. The person you've become. The obstacles you overcame to get where you are today.

Knowing who you want to be. Regrets. The untamed mind. The thoughts that you don't speak of to anyone. The fears or the happiness. Everything you want to change in order to touch the person you barely remember being.

It's funny how I am standing in unfamiliar territory... looking into a mirror..... an image of me so very far away. I see the greenery and the life. The birds and the sky. The mountains. But then I look down at my feet. Sand. Course, dry, desert sand. The mirroring image of me, is someone I can't be.

Someone I lost.

To get to where I have to be.

Onward...

Knowing the meaning and context of change is such a different feeling.

The old me didn't know the depths and effects of the word.

Today I face its practicality. Its definition. Its shape.

Today I hold the ropes knotting me to the person I used to be.... and I feel the urge to grab dull scissors to snap her off, because she's holding me back from facing greater mountains, greater jungles, greater rivers.

Change is using its magnetic forces to pull me onward.

I have no control.

And I am getting used to that feeling, of having no control.

It's like a harsh wind.

And I'm growing so used to it. So used to it, that I am beginning to love it.

To love the high.
To love the deep.
To love the low.

On a Wednesday in a Café I Watched it Begin Again

You write these words not knowing how it is you make me feel.

my song

i can't buy your love, don't even wanna try
sometimes the truth won't make you happy...
still i'm not gonna lie

but don't ever question if my heart beats only for you,
it beats only for you

i know i'm far from perfect, nothing like your entourage
i can't grant you any wishes, i can't promise you the stars...

but don't ever question if my heart beats only for you,
it beats only for you

cause when you've given up... when no matter what you do it's never good enough
when you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
that's when you feel
my kind of love

and when you're crying out;
when you fall and then can't pick your happy off the ground;
when the friends you thought you have haven't stuck around...
that's when you fell
my kind of love

you won't see me at the parties, i guess i'm just no fun
i won't be turning up the radio singing 'baby, you're the one.'

but don't ever question if my heart beats only for you,
it beats only for you

i know sometimes i get angry, and i say what i don't mean...
i know i keep my heart protected far away from my sleeve....

but don't ever question if my heart beats only for you,
it beats only for you


cause when you've given up... when no matter what you do it's never good enough
when you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
that's when you feel
my kind of love

and when you're crying out;
when you fall and then can't pick your happy off the ground;
when the friends you thought you have haven't stuck around...
that's when you fell
my kind of love

~ my kind of love ~ emeli sandé 

art

I picked up my paintbrush again.

After a long time.

I  burned bits of paper and closed my eyes and breathed in the ash-like air.
I closed my eyes and waited for the flames to die into embers.

I glittered and glued.

I felt those emotions I haven't felt in such a long time. Those feelings that aren't actually feelings, but rather the existence of an unseen substance that holds the heart in its strong beating form. The substance that allows us to hear, feel, and see the definition of the beat of the heart.

It was like fresh air.

So excited for my latest art project.

The God of Elijah

The God of Elijah

The link above connects to a sermon of Pastor Derek Schneider's.
I needed to hear it.

I encourage everyone to listen to it. The words are preciously gravitating to the heart.

So moving.

I Want To Scream

Home.

I want to run and run and run.

Into the abyss.

Into the forrest.

Upon the ocean's waves.

Soaring on clouds.

I want to run and run and run.

I want to see the flocks of swallows rise up behind me, their winds carrying me to fly.

Onward to Zion.

Onward to peace.

The Circle.

It's all so complicated.
It's all so blurry.

It's all so simple.

It's like watching beautiful goblets being thrown into the air, to be dropped, smashing into the gravelling volcanic rock.

Hands clenched, eyes blind.

That's what you are.

Spitting words of advice.

The moment you realize you don't know everything, that you have been wrong for oh so long, that you actually need to take your own angelic words and start following them yourself, the sooner you will reach a point of self-actualization. The sooner you will be made content. The sooner you will regain the answers you are searching for. The sooner you will see me back in your life. Not permanently. Perhaps a smile or a wave.

Will you see the epitome of selfishness that has you shuffling and unsorted?


I am discovering more and more that reaching self-actualization is nearly impossible.

Humanity, what is.

Am I even talking to you, or is it me ?

The Circle.

Gripped by the most severe thoughts, we drag our eyes to the sky only to see rain.
Acid rain.

Crippled by the pain of fearful running, we stop to be caught by the landslides and sinking holes.
Caked in mud.

Blinded by the rapture of dark thundering thoughts, we lose what we need to the clash.
Lightning stealing life.

Met The Most Inspirational Famous People. Pretty Much The Best Day of My Life. Milestone.

I guess I haven't really blogged in a while.

Been drinking too much tea, writing so many songs, and making a lot of lattes lately.

I'm a barista now ! So exciting.


Major update: I met Of Monsters and Men over the weekend ! :)
http://www.ofmonstersandmen.com

I took this year off thinking by September 2013, I'd know what I'd be doing with my life, university wise.

But I don't know what I want to do.

Perhaps I never will, and my whole life is meant to be an adventure, jumping into abyss, hoping all the time that my feet will land on solid ground.

I'm worried. It feels like the pit of my stomach is being clenched. My mind is reeling. Thoughts are spinning.

But I heard this verse.

It popped into my head in the midst of my chaotic worrying.

Psalm 18.

So it's more like the entire chapter is exactly what I've been needing to hear.

Especially this part:

"You cleared the ground under me so my footing was firm."

To me I've come up with a connotation; connotation because I'm not definite as to what the Psalmist was referring...

That though everything feels like chaos, and the ground beneath me feels as though it has been swept away... It is all to be used to bring me closer to God.

Might I trust and keep faith enough to walk upon the treacherous waves, and not drown beneath them.

Someone once said that you have to keep your eyes on Jesus in order to walk on water; not to concentrate so hard on troubles, but have faith that God's got everything under control.


I'm just learning how difficult it really is.

Or is it.... How difficult I am making it out to be.

The typhoons circle in, taking with them my heart, throwing it up into the Heavens.

Chugging Along

I am always thinking.

It's like you're on this train with me.

Only you're the caboose.
I'm the engine...

Will I have to lose you in order to carry on up this hill ?

I have this passion.

A passion for perfection.

But perfection needs trust.

And I probably don't trust as much as I should.

No.

I don't trust easily.

And that has become my next personal goal.

Trust more.

Be less judgemental.

As loss of trust has caused me to become so judgemental.

How I'm to reverse it, I question.

But I'll figure it out.

Somehow the curtain will be pulled.

Today I found myself working and thinking poetic thoughts.
They're just memories now.
I don't remember those profound words I told myself.

Maybe because I like talking myself in and out of things.

For the sake of love.

Je ne sais pas.

Maybe time away does make the heart grow fonder, because you forget all the negatives... all the reasons why; one focuses on why not.

Is it out of desperation or out of love?

Words To You.

I don't want to waste my life regretting what I have not said.

I don't want to regret saying what I have not said.

So I sit back.

Pondering the objections and projections of an unlikely love.

A question.

An exclamation.

"Come hell or high water you will never take me back to the place I was before. I have been through too much to let life whoop me again. My faith is stronger than it's ever been, my mind is more tenacious than it's ever been, my soul is more absolute." - T.D. Jakes

A good reminder to get me where I want to be.

"Faith becomes a bridge between where I am and where I want to go-- it is a substance." -T.D. Jakes

DeckPhotages

I had the dream of a time on this photo shoot. Models were lovely, and we had so much fun in the sun !

My springtime sessions have begun.

It feels great to get back into the swing of photography.

Contact DeckPhotages if you'd like to get a free photo shoot done ! :)

Like/Share/Comment. :) <3

All support is appreciated !

I know that all of this is
just a test.

God testing me to trust Him completely...
because I haven't always done so.

And He needs me to.

He wants me to.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
I feel really lonely.
I don't really understand why people don't want to be friends with me.
There's a lot of people who have just... Walked out of my life.

I don't get it.

I've always been there for them.
Is it wrong for me to feel a little selfish and want them to be there for me?

I dunno.

I guess it's just been a tough go-- getting out of high school.

Having plans change so drastically.

And now... Now I've just learned to go with the flow.

But I miss friends.
I miss talking and having people understand.

I miss the happy life.

I miss friendship.

Restaurant Lingo

Here's a List of a Few Things We Say in the Kitchen At Work That I Find to Be Humorous

"Can I get my benny done up, please?" -Hollandaise & Hashbrowns on an Eggs Bennedict

"One for the money, two for the show." -Onions/Tomatoes/etc on the side

"Sell the chit!" - Give me the bill.

It's the biggest test yet.

Fighting to remain optimistic.
Fighting to trust.
Fighting to hold onto love through every trial, every tribulation, & every fear.

Love.

Love will conquer all.

Love has conquered all.

"No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get you out of my mind.

I tried not thinking about you. Then who do I see but you.

I tried not thinking about you. Then who do I dream about but you."

None of This Would Have Happened If I Had Just Gone In With Wet Shoes And Bought A Cup of Tea

Today I was sitting on a bench in the mall, minding my own business, people-watching, after work.

Noteworthy indeed was the pile of water I came to notice at my feet.

Apparently my water bottle had been dripping for the entire 10 minutes that I had been sitting there.

It probably looks like I "wet" the bench.... if you catch my drift.

So, not only was my mood dampened (pardon the pun) because I didn't want to go into DAVIDsTEA (my favourite place on earth) after work (because I had stepped in a puddle on the way, ruining my shoes) looking like crap and smelling like bleach (I'm a hostess at a restaurant), but the mood had actually been brought to life, when I opened up my bag and my apron and shoes were found to be soaked through.... in lemon water.

How fun.

I really needed a cup of tea at that moment, but I figured it wasn't worth the embarrassment, being so wet and all.

None of This Would Have Happened If I Had Just Gone In With Wet Shoes And Bought A Cup of Tea {Before Sitting Down on the Bench to Mope About My Wet Shoes}.

Is it too superficial of me to say that I dislike going into my favourite places after work because I want to be able to make an impression, and because I don't want to buy anything without looking good?

Don't answer.

I probably am acting a little too superficial right now.

Looks like I'll be brewing my own tea tonight. Good thing I have a hearty supply of DAVIDsTEA products.

We are all Jobs and Davids crying out.

Selah.

Lyrics

Going on with you gone
Still upsets me.

What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts

-denotes everything I feel about you.

I feel like an eagle.
Soaring through cutting, cold air that stings.
Soaring through mountain crevices that are caving in.

Escaping freedom.
Trapped in isolation.

This is how I feel.
Lonely, cold.

Lately,

Everywhere I look,

People are turning a blind eye to the meaning of love.

Generations are jumping into a sea of selfishness, drowning in loneliness, depending on independence while living in total fragility.

Trust

God needs me to love Him... And let Him love me... Before anything.

Devine Answers.

I got an answer to a life problem, as written about in the previous blogpost.

It is an answer from the one I should have consulted right away.

See... I don't need to be dwelling on this so-felt sorrow by the loss of a so-assumed love... Because God has everything in control. He holds the universe. He holds the stars.
How could I doubt that he has my life in his hands.
How could I forget?

Renewing Thoughts:

Obviously God has someone for me.
Out there.
In this big, vast world I am awaiting to explore.
I need to let go, and let God guide.

Feeling pain is necessary in love. Its like what germs are to building up an immune system.

I have learned things over the past few years.
I've cracked bits of this shell.
I've hatched.
If opening my heart and getting it burned a little was necessary, then so be it.

God has a reason for everything, no matter how hard the circumstance may be. I am at that point that if I do not come to know the reason to this specific situation until after this life of mine has been lived, than its all for the better.

Gods love is more rich than any other I have been given.... I shouldn't be so quick to forget it.
It's hard to hold on, when the illusions of the real world superficially blind us.

At this point he just needs to me trust.

And boy, do I know it.

In everything I am being tested to trust a God I cannot physically see.

His romance is sweeter than any other I have known though.

The words.
The music.
The sky.
The sea.

That is the romance I will trust to be the waves beneath my ship.

Silence.

I thought I'd worked it out and gotten over you.

But see... I still can't seem to stop thinking about you.

And you probably don't even know I've liked you since forever a three years ago.

Now we barely talk.

And I should probably walk away.

But I don't know how.

I don't know how to shut someone out, who helped me open up my heart in the first place.

What Is Love?

I want to take all the Pain you feel
And free you from it

I want you to embrace the music of nature and the Sun
The way that I do

So that you do not feel the Pain

I would trade it with you
Just to see you smile

Because I love you,
And I am disgusted with the Pain that forcibly strops you
Blackening your tears

I am coming to that clearing on a mountain, where I will be in utter abandonment to what God has in store for me.

I am still hidden beneath the shadows of the trees.
I am still nervous about losing all control, and giving it to the Sun in the sky...

But I am still walking... Trusting that His love is on my side.

"I dreamt we walked together along the shore. We made satisfying small talk and laughed. This morning I found sand in my shoe and a seashell in my pocket. Was I only dreaming?" 

-Maya Angelou 

"In My Veins" - Andrew Belle

Thinking.

Even if I was working out my passions-- making money by doing what I love to do best-- I would still have something to complain about because:

A. I am not perfect.
B. Nobody is perfect.
C. I have these ideas of perfection that I want to work out, but are impossible to apply during this time.

God can perfect things. That I know.

But I think because of reasonings A & B, we subject these ideas of ours to battery and abuse.

We abuse our perfect ideas by denying that we have mistakes/faults.

(Subconsciously knowing we are not perfect at all?--> therefore unable to completely accept the consequences of being wrong; or the wanting to suppress feelings that come from being wrong.)

Then again, because we are not perfect, our own judgements may be incorrect and extremely faulty... Because we do not know the truth of perfection.

God knows.

But we do not.



Much to think about.

I'm looking for you.

Across the lake, to the mountains and in the lavender-lit grey-time sky.

Beneath the benches of solitude.

In the trees.
In the trees.
In the trees.

Come and find me.

DeckPhotages

Check out my Facebook photography page ! :) Would love to start doing some free photoshoots! Contact me via a message on Facebook, or through email: deckphotages@gmail.com

http://www.facebook.com/DeckPhotages

Ricocheted.

It's not fair that all you've left me with are bare sentiments; fragments, even, of: friendship... of life... of love.

It's not fair that all I had known of bitterness had been released when I met you...
and now a piece of that new joy I found has been snapped back.

This new life I had discovered has been snapped back.

Like you took all the happiness I found... and decided to keep it for yourself.

I miss you.
I miss smiling because of your smile.
I miss knowing that there was always someone who was on my side, even if I was wrong.

You always had a way of telling me I was wrong, yet making me feel like I had the right idea.

You have no idea.


I miss having a friend. 


I really do.

And now all I do is drink tea and make pancakes look pretty.
Something's missing.

Maybe it's you.

Or maybe it's just the part of me that I lost along the way to life.

I could be doing so much more than sitting here blogging about how much I miss friendship.
I should be doing so much more than sitting here blogging about how much I miss friendship.

That's it.

Confessions of a Tea-oholic

Loose-leaf tea is the way to go. Never going back to tea bags.

I get my black tea from Sri Lanka-- bulk. :) Benefits of having family connections overseas, in some of the best tea capitals of the world.

If getting loose-leaf tea is hard to come by from wherever you're at, I highly recommend Dilmah tea bags.

:)

Go find yourself some healthy addictions !

#Tea #Tea #Tea !!!

The Kind of Advice Dad Gives Me That Brings Tears To My Eyes.

"Once you've done everything right, know in your heart it was right... don't be fumbled by others ignorance, disapproval, or negativity. Keep moving on... don't let your heart be hardened... but definitely your skin be thicker..."

-John Silva

My Dad's advice + his broken English = Golden. 

I love him so much. 

The Emotional State of Hypocrisy is in Your Hands.

Friendship is not supposed to be thrown around hotly by emotions. The art of camaraderie must be mastered articulately. Until you realize how important soul is over emotions (the difference between how you interact with friendship as opposed to relying on all emotions), you will continue to run around in circles hurting people and fogging up lives with confusion. Learn what honour is, and fight to use it; don't throw it out and sacrifice your own happiness for it. Chasing lust and using lies is only using the tools of an ignorance and a hypocrisy you have mastered that is now beginning to carve misery into your heart.

Little Brown Julia Child.

Lately I've really been into "french cooking." I put on my half apron, flip open my edition of "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" by Julia Child, Louisette Bertholle, and Simone Beck and pick a recipe.

Most of the time I have all of the ingredients. I've found the French have a way of incorporating a lot of my favourite vegetables into fancy dishes.

Julia Child makes European cooking seem less bland, more healthy (I said "seem" for a reason; think about all that butter! Hahaha), and exciting.

Such French cooking endeavours of mine include Potage Parmentier et Aubergines Farcies Duxelles.  

Bon Appetit ! 

Listen To This

"Hall of Fame" - The Script ft. will.i.am 

Bliss

I can't help but think that when my mum was my age she was in a very steady relationship with my father by now, a year away from marriage.

And I am still a bird at flight.

I have much of the world to see. And plans that I've made.

I also can't help but think that sooner than I feel, God's going to send my special person my way, just in time to remind me that I am not the one who is in control of making plans.

And everything will fall out of my hands and fall into a place of utter contentment.

Glimpse.

Once upon a time, I was in the ninth grade-- first day of high school-- riding on the school bus for the first time.

I was an awkward, silent kid.

A boy one year my senior sat next to me and almost immediately put his hand on mine which was resting on the top of the seat in front of me.

I was shocked. And sort of glarishingly looked up at him; he chuckled, backed off and apologized.

I will always remember this boy.

Every time I see him we always awkwardly turn away, for we only spoke during the acquainting of such a procession.

Today I saw him in the library and we both paused recognizing the other.

I looked away and my face probably went beet red. Even though I am brown, when I blush (which is not often) it is always noticeable, so my friends say.


I don't usually like sharing such personal stories of mine, but for some reason I felt the need to write about this one.

Who knows.

Maybe it proves that my life is at the least a little entertaining. Sometimes I forget about the little things in life. Don't. It drains out the excitement and beauty of it all.

Embarrassment is good for the heart and excellent food for thought. ;)

Sleep Walking?

I do the strangest things when jet-lagged or sick and sleepy. Last night, I sat right up and like morphing out of my dream I began looking for ice cream at the base of my bed, in my purse, or maybe it was hidden in my blankets. I even turned on the lights looking for a box of ice cream. My dog looked at me like I was nuts. Then I have up, shut the lights and went back to sleep.

I woke up the next morning and remembered all of this and shook my head.

Like how weird right.

Three years ago, second night in Sri Lanka, I was aroused in the wee hours by loud thumping sounds in the roof. I seriously opened my eyes and said, "It's raining coconuts," and went back to sleep. Turns out it was a mongoose goin crazy fighting another mongoose in the attic. In Sri Lanka, it is not uncommon for such things to occur. :)

All to say.....

It really is the little things in life :)