This year has been an adventure of emotions. I have seen little, and yet experienced a lot.
It was easy to get lost in a little world, and next year holds an even bigger world for me.
I'm nervous, but excited.
I think the best part is, I'm not fearful.
I've learned that the more one delves into self and one's own heart for experience, advice, and intuition, the more one can lose track of joy and journey. It's like looking at the path, afraid to fall, so much so that you don't realize you're about to walk right off a cliff. It took me a while to figure out that I was doing exactly that.... perhaps well over two years.... but I'm glad it's been configured the day 2013 ends. It ends the year on good terms, I suppose.
I've also learned that the more I learn about myself, who I am, and where I'm going in life, the more I realize I have so much more to learn.
There are many complexities within the complexities.

I don't like transitions between years. It feels like the world is moving much too fast for its own good.

Nonetheless, I suppose it must happen.

So here-goes.

I'm looking forward to the mountains I'll climb and the seas I'll taste.
I don't mind ocean water at all.
I don't mind rivers.
I don't mind clouds.
I don't mind sheep.

And it's clear as day, tonight in the wee hours of December 31st, that I can no longer drive my own life, in order to experience these adventures with true, pure happiness.

I've forgotten who's created me. I've forgotten that He knows me even when I do not know my own self.
I've forgotten that He is the heart I must rely on, not my own.

2014 is the year of the horse? I suppose chariots are to drive us into thickets and mountains and through rivers and sand dunes, by winds, heat, rain, sleet.

It's the year to GO.

I'm quite optimistic.
Cautious, but optimistic.

I'm ready.

dragons with the most fearsome of fires could not hold me back

I dig into myself. Nails into skin. So deep. So deep into myself that I forget who I really am.

These have been long, long days. Days so long that I dig into my sadness which digs into my sadness. It has felt like an endless cycle.

Only tonight have I realized that steeping bitterness has broken my ties with faith and happiness.

I lost my joy...

Fighting to get it back has been harder than ever.

Certainly a journey to be remembered.

Fighting for my life right now.

So hard.

But the fact that I've found possibility and can see the light is allowing me to feel new winds I've not known before.

It's fleeting.

Dangerous.

Sad.

I fear.

But the darkest days are long behind me and I refuse to muddle in fear again.

I will find my joy.

The greatest discovery I've made is the knowledge that all I am is found within the creation of God and the beauty He breathes.

I can taste that beauty.

I can't see it or feel it. . .

But my faith is persistent.

And that is what counts at this point.

It is the only thing keeping me from falling into the crevices and keeling over into the darkest abyss I have found.

Dragons with the most fearsome of  fires could not hold me back.

No, I know what it feels like to be alone.

So no, I do not think you're in the wrong to feel jealous and sad and miserable and angry and happy all at the same time.

We are complex people with complex feelings.

To find a new form of love.

I'm craving travel.

I need worldly experience. . . to be off in unknown lands meeting talented foreigners and sharing magic.

Just to be.

To be immersed in a new kind of culture. To find a new form of love.

I have grown tired, and all I need is to find a new form of love.

could an ocean of waves break my soul into fragments, splitting them across the caverns, the shore, the rocks and the shells?
could a sky of snow float down upon the treetops and shed its pure beauty upon the long-time travelled road?

may it be, may it be.

Genuinely, I've found out what I must do.

I must serve, and serve because I want to, not because I need to.

Only then will I rediscover happiness.

True happiness.

silently falling into the abyss crying and fighting against the wind that hollers through my ears and rips apart the boundaries and the obstacles and the terror of fear and fear and fear

spacing into lines of rigged hopeful teasing strength aligned with the deception of love and bitterness and hope and not knowing what is real and what is fantasy but knowing what is fantasy and what is real trying to see that life is more than the blocks that build us in that we can climb out and see past the fields and the rocks and the rivers and the seas and the mountains give me serenity give me agility find in me the treasure map to the sailboats and the pilgrims and the literatures of feeble able hope 

delving into the greatness of what can only be hoped for 

knowing that i have hope

it is in me

and it will stop or drive the fall or the rise or the falling rise or the rising fall or timetime time timetime time timetime time timetime time