Things I've Learned; My Gap Year at a Glance

If there's anything I can take away from this year off, it's these few facts of life I've learned:

1. Being alone does not bring one peace any more than being in a crowd gives one pleasure. There is prosperity in having a number of friends you can count on one hand. And even though one may not see them all the time, as high school has generously granted, solitude allows one to see truth, perceive honesty, and realize what it means to be blessed.

2. We are all in the same boat, regardless if we are educated or not. In fact, whether or not we choose to partake in higher education or get a job right away, we are all sifting like sand through the ocean trying to find the right wave and pace through the sound that feels best to us. We're all a little selfish. We all need love. We all crave that ultimate knowledge of faith and love. Nobody is better than the other; our life credentials have nothing to do with what is written on our resume. It is all part of a bigger picture, part of our story.

3. Life can be simple, though it is difficult. And in that centre we can find contentment. A lot of people lie to get to the top. A lot of people have heart and passion and that's what gets them to the top. It's all perspective.

4. Coffee is magical. Starbucks changed my life. Being a barista became my musical theatre opportunity, and it's better than I ever thought it would be. I've learned most of what I know about people and interactions and body language behind an espresso machine.

5. Family isn't always blood. Friends are not always there. Love always is. Bitterness is a wall people hide behind. Lies are a divergence created to fill the soul with what one cannot access on their own. Honesty both breaks and restores. Life goes on regardless if we want it to or not.

In exactly seven days I will be 19.

It's almost refreshing.

A new number, a new dawn... a new age.

I am told that the number 19 means divine perfection.

That gives me some earnest hope... as my life is probably everything but perfect right now.

It's funny.

Like one morning you just wake up knowing who you are. The person you've become. The obstacles you overcame to get where you are today.

Knowing who you want to be. Regrets. The untamed mind. The thoughts that you don't speak of to anyone. The fears or the happiness. Everything you want to change in order to touch the person you barely remember being.

It's funny how I am standing in unfamiliar territory... looking into a mirror..... an image of me so very far away. I see the greenery and the life. The birds and the sky. The mountains. But then I look down at my feet. Sand. Course, dry, desert sand. The mirroring image of me, is someone I can't be.

Someone I lost.

To get to where I have to be.

Onward...

Knowing the meaning and context of change is such a different feeling.

The old me didn't know the depths and effects of the word.

Today I face its practicality. Its definition. Its shape.

Today I hold the ropes knotting me to the person I used to be.... and I feel the urge to grab dull scissors to snap her off, because she's holding me back from facing greater mountains, greater jungles, greater rivers.

Change is using its magnetic forces to pull me onward.

I have no control.

And I am getting used to that feeling, of having no control.

It's like a harsh wind.

And I'm growing so used to it. So used to it, that I am beginning to love it.

To love the high.
To love the deep.
To love the low.

On a Wednesday in a Café I Watched it Begin Again

You write these words not knowing how it is you make me feel.

my song

i can't buy your love, don't even wanna try
sometimes the truth won't make you happy...
still i'm not gonna lie

but don't ever question if my heart beats only for you,
it beats only for you

i know i'm far from perfect, nothing like your entourage
i can't grant you any wishes, i can't promise you the stars...

but don't ever question if my heart beats only for you,
it beats only for you

cause when you've given up... when no matter what you do it's never good enough
when you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
that's when you feel
my kind of love

and when you're crying out;
when you fall and then can't pick your happy off the ground;
when the friends you thought you have haven't stuck around...
that's when you fell
my kind of love

you won't see me at the parties, i guess i'm just no fun
i won't be turning up the radio singing 'baby, you're the one.'

but don't ever question if my heart beats only for you,
it beats only for you

i know sometimes i get angry, and i say what i don't mean...
i know i keep my heart protected far away from my sleeve....

but don't ever question if my heart beats only for you,
it beats only for you


cause when you've given up... when no matter what you do it's never good enough
when you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
that's when you feel
my kind of love

and when you're crying out;
when you fall and then can't pick your happy off the ground;
when the friends you thought you have haven't stuck around...
that's when you fell
my kind of love

~ my kind of love ~ emeli sandé 

art

I picked up my paintbrush again.

After a long time.

I  burned bits of paper and closed my eyes and breathed in the ash-like air.
I closed my eyes and waited for the flames to die into embers.

I glittered and glued.

I felt those emotions I haven't felt in such a long time. Those feelings that aren't actually feelings, but rather the existence of an unseen substance that holds the heart in its strong beating form. The substance that allows us to hear, feel, and see the definition of the beat of the heart.

It was like fresh air.

So excited for my latest art project.

The God of Elijah

The God of Elijah

The link above connects to a sermon of Pastor Derek Schneider's.
I needed to hear it.

I encourage everyone to listen to it. The words are preciously gravitating to the heart.

So moving.

I Want To Scream

Home.

I want to run and run and run.

Into the abyss.

Into the forrest.

Upon the ocean's waves.

Soaring on clouds.

I want to run and run and run.

I want to see the flocks of swallows rise up behind me, their winds carrying me to fly.

Onward to Zion.

Onward to peace.

The Circle.

It's all so complicated.
It's all so blurry.

It's all so simple.

It's like watching beautiful goblets being thrown into the air, to be dropped, smashing into the gravelling volcanic rock.

Hands clenched, eyes blind.

That's what you are.

Spitting words of advice.

The moment you realize you don't know everything, that you have been wrong for oh so long, that you actually need to take your own angelic words and start following them yourself, the sooner you will reach a point of self-actualization. The sooner you will be made content. The sooner you will regain the answers you are searching for. The sooner you will see me back in your life. Not permanently. Perhaps a smile or a wave.

Will you see the epitome of selfishness that has you shuffling and unsorted?


I am discovering more and more that reaching self-actualization is nearly impossible.

Humanity, what is.

Am I even talking to you, or is it me ?

The Circle.

Gripped by the most severe thoughts, we drag our eyes to the sky only to see rain.
Acid rain.

Crippled by the pain of fearful running, we stop to be caught by the landslides and sinking holes.
Caked in mud.

Blinded by the rapture of dark thundering thoughts, we lose what we need to the clash.
Lightning stealing life.

Met The Most Inspirational Famous People. Pretty Much The Best Day of My Life. Milestone.

I guess I haven't really blogged in a while.

Been drinking too much tea, writing so many songs, and making a lot of lattes lately.

I'm a barista now ! So exciting.


Major update: I met Of Monsters and Men over the weekend ! :)
http://www.ofmonstersandmen.com

I took this year off thinking by September 2013, I'd know what I'd be doing with my life, university wise.

But I don't know what I want to do.

Perhaps I never will, and my whole life is meant to be an adventure, jumping into abyss, hoping all the time that my feet will land on solid ground.

I'm worried. It feels like the pit of my stomach is being clenched. My mind is reeling. Thoughts are spinning.

But I heard this verse.

It popped into my head in the midst of my chaotic worrying.

Psalm 18.

So it's more like the entire chapter is exactly what I've been needing to hear.

Especially this part:

"You cleared the ground under me so my footing was firm."

To me I've come up with a connotation; connotation because I'm not definite as to what the Psalmist was referring...

That though everything feels like chaos, and the ground beneath me feels as though it has been swept away... It is all to be used to bring me closer to God.

Might I trust and keep faith enough to walk upon the treacherous waves, and not drown beneath them.

Someone once said that you have to keep your eyes on Jesus in order to walk on water; not to concentrate so hard on troubles, but have faith that God's got everything under control.


I'm just learning how difficult it really is.

Or is it.... How difficult I am making it out to be.

The typhoons circle in, taking with them my heart, throwing it up into the Heavens.

Chugging Along

I am always thinking.

It's like you're on this train with me.

Only you're the caboose.
I'm the engine...

Will I have to lose you in order to carry on up this hill ?

I have this passion.

A passion for perfection.

But perfection needs trust.

And I probably don't trust as much as I should.

No.

I don't trust easily.

And that has become my next personal goal.

Trust more.

Be less judgemental.

As loss of trust has caused me to become so judgemental.

How I'm to reverse it, I question.

But I'll figure it out.

Somehow the curtain will be pulled.

Today I found myself working and thinking poetic thoughts.
They're just memories now.
I don't remember those profound words I told myself.

Maybe because I like talking myself in and out of things.

For the sake of love.

Je ne sais pas.

Maybe time away does make the heart grow fonder, because you forget all the negatives... all the reasons why; one focuses on why not.

Is it out of desperation or out of love?

Words To You.

I don't want to waste my life regretting what I have not said.

I don't want to regret saying what I have not said.

So I sit back.

Pondering the objections and projections of an unlikely love.

A question.

An exclamation.