It's almost as if life's drafted us this map for how perfect we are supposed to be: how aligned and exact all of our decisions, choices, and philanthropies are to be. Our life choices are supposed to define us, but how often to they really define our own success, in comparison to worldly success?
Wrapped up in worry and fear, many of my life choices have been made to please others. Odd enough, most of said choices have caused greater worries and greater fears. Exhaustion builds up just to please a substance of worldly pleasure, a being upon the Earth we don't even understand or comprehend: something we can't see, but is ruled by our own hearts.
The harder we fight for something we don't even understand, the stronger it becomes within our hearts. A fortress that encloses our feelings. It isn't made up of substance, but filled with our own anguish, our own kind of peace, our own kind of pride. The walls are a foundation for hiding our own insecurities.
So, when does it begin? When do we fail to build up walls around our joys, happiness, pure prides and love? When do we forget that it's important to protect what is good? Does innocence hold captive these beauties, and fall to the rocks Earth throws at its baseboards and foundations?
I think that as children we grow up believing everything is pure and right and that there is no such thing as anguish, anxiety, and unforgiveness. Somewhere along the road, we learn that not everything is as perfect as it should be, that we can't fix everything, and that not everyone can fix us when our happiness breaks. We build up walls to prove and to protect ourselves. We see things in black and white....the colour drains.
I have walked this road. I have felt the fear that chills up my back when I least expect it. I have cried. I have wined. I have known the feeling of lost hope.
The walls that guarded my deepest emotions snapped: innocence shattered.
And yet, we must keep moving.
If there is anything I've learned over these past few years, it's that we cannot dwell on the shattered innocence. The glass was beautiful and even mesmerizing, but, it was for a time. It's not going to be the same if we try and glue the pieces back together and redraw them up to protect ourselves. People see through that crap, for it's not whole & not as beautiful as it once was.
I'm on that part of the journey where I see that we build new walls up to protect what we presently know and feel. If something has already wrecked my worldview and is clinging to my passions, I don't want it ripping them apart.. .. . ripping me apart.
We use faith, don't we? We use the perfect idealities of what we believe.... to protect the uncertainties of what we believe.
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